Losing a loved one is a difficult experience at any age, but it can be especially confusing and stressful for toddlers who may not understand the strong emotions of the people around them and the loss of companionship. Helping toddlers understand the grief process and the changes that are happening in their lives can help prevent behavioral problems and provide toddlers with a sense of peace during a difficult life event.
Talking to Toddlers about Death
The death of a loved one is confusing enough for a toddler without a parent trying to hide the facts. Many parents try to spare a toddler from the full effects of grief by saying a deceased loved one has gone on a long trip or won’t be back for a while. Toddlers understand far more than they are often given credit for and they are able to deal with their grief much better if a parent takes the time to help them understand what has happened.
Sit down with your toddler and explain what has happened. Leave out graphic details of how the death happened and focus on what life will be like without this person in his life. Don’t be afraid to cry or show emotion in front of your toddler. Displaying your own grief teaches toddlers that it is okay to feel sad and helps them feel comfortable expressing their own emotions when they need to.
Behavioral Changes in Toddlers after the Death of a Loved One
Grieving is a strong emotion and is more powerful than any emotions most toddlers have experienced before. Losing a loved one, even if a toddler does not completely understand the long term implications of death, can cause behavioral changes and a regression of behavior. It is not uncommon for a previously potty trained toddler to return to diapers or for a toddler who once routinely slept through the night to suddenly begin waking up with nightmares. Toddlers can feel the stress of everyone around them and may act out by throwing temper tantrums, becoming easily agitated, or becoming aggressive.
Common Fears in a Grieving Toddler
Losing a loved one unexpectedly can create new fears for a toddler. Routines make toddlers feel safe and the sudden change in their routine after the death of a loved one and the stress that goes along with that can cause a previously confident toddler to develop sudden fears. Many toddlers will regress and experience separation anxiety so severe that they fear being too far away from a trusted adult.
Toddlers often develop a fear of death in general and worry that they will lose another person that they love. Ryan, a previously level headed 3 year old, became hysterical months after his aunt was killed in a car accident when one of his friends playfully “crashed” a toy car into another one and yelled “Don’t do that! You will make me die”.
Adults experience many of the same fears that toddlers do, but toddlers are less equipped to deal with their emotions. Work to provide grieving toddlers with a strong sense of security. Take their fears seriously and help them to feel safe while they work through their emotions that are caused by grief.
Children are resilient and toddlers have a remarkable ability to overcome challenges in their lives given time and the loving support of family members. Be patient with grieving toddlers and allow them to work through their emotions at their own pace and in their own way.
Resources to Help Toddlers Deal with Grief
We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead
The Blue Day Book for Kids: A Lesson in Cheering Yourself Up
