The terrible two’s are a phenomenon most parents could quite happily live without. However unpleasant they may be, they are a necessary and normal part of a toddler’s development.
Many parents choose to educate themselves through books, documentaries, and other parents. Other parents choose to go it alone. No matter how you prepare, one thing is for certain: the terrible two’s will most assuredly live up to their reputation.
The Power of "No!"
What can you expect? How about the answer, “no,” to anything and everything you ask, quite often accompanied by a smug look of satisfaction. After all, it is quite liberating to realize you can say no, and even more satisfying to do it. Children learn very early how much power there is in the word “no,” and use it frequently to assert themselves and their independence. Though the constant contradiction is decidedly tiresome and frustrating, recognize that your terrible two year old is simply testing his newfound confidence and freedom.
Temper Tantrums and Testing the Limits
How often have you been in a store and seen a toddler having a screaming, kicking tantrum? For those parents who have been on the receiving end (or soon will!), you are (or will be) well aware of what it feels like to want to disappear into the woodwork. Though the stares and glares make time stand still and seemingly place you under the scrutiny of a microscope, this battle of wills is another behavior that will most certainly emerge by the time your child reaches the age of three.
Toddlers are exceedingly stubborn and will test you at every opportunity. More often than not, these tantrums happen in the public eye, where often parents feel the most vulnerable. Fortunately, for all the people who glare disapprovingly, there will be just as many offering a sympathetic look of understanding. Serving as the store curiosity will, in time, be memorable for reasons other than mortification.
Is This Normal Behavior?
Tantrums are a normal part of a child’s development, as are aggressive and passive aggressive tendencies. Most aggressive behaviors are best served by elimination, i.e. removing the toddler from the situation. Biting and hitting, though normal behaviors, are never acceptable and must be dealt with accordingly and immediately.
What Can You Do?
Removing a child from an undesirable situation (or even a desired situation in which he or she does not wish to leave) can necessitate physically extracting your child. This often elicits passive aggressive behaviors such as going limp and stiffening. As with the overtly aggressive behaviors, these actions are simply an effort on behalf of the child to exert his will and are the manifestation of the frustration he feels regarding his unmet need or desire.
Knowing that these behaviors are normal and expected of toddlers in their terrible twos doesn’t make coping with them any easier. Dr. Alvin Eden, author of Positive Parenting [Random House, 2007], offers five rules of controlling a toddler’s destructive tendencies and temper tantrums:
- Distraction. Try to redirect your child to another activity, like playing some music or turning on the T.V.
- Separation. Remove him from the place where he is causing trouble. If he is in the park and bites his friend, take him home. It doesn't work to scream and yell, just do it quietly.
- Explanation. Explain why you are acting a certain way. Setting rules and regulations and not explaining them is unfair.
- Compromise. Yes, sometimes give in. Allow him to make some decisions. By letting him win some small arguments, you'll have a better chance to win the big ones.
- Punishment. Yes, there is a place for punishment, such as taking away privileges. Spanking should be reserved for special occasions like running out into traffic. I don't believe a child should ever be physically abused. A smack across the backside is more than enough for him to get the message.
Tantrums are a Good Thing- Really!
A child’s development requires the passage of several different phases, not all of them pleasant. Though the terrible two’s may be the most infamous of these phases, take comfort in the knowledge that they are necessary to the healthy and successful development of your child, and remember, you are not alone.
